Have you ever wondered why Carrie Bradshaw keeps coming back to Mr. Big? This popular late 90’s TV series has probably helped shape unrealistic visions and expectations in relationships of thousands of women. And not only in America but across all the world’s spheres.
Don’t get me wrong. It has also gotten into me. On the one hand, I believe in fatal love. On the other side of the coin, I believe in plenty of other insanities. Carrie was madly in love with Mr. Big. There is no doubt about that. But if there was one question I could ask her today, I would most likely say: ‘Was all the pain truly worth it?’
The answer is no. Their fictional affair was predestined, but not all relationships are always meant to be. Why would she do that to herself, then? And why would you allow yourself to fall into an abusive partnership? Here are a couple of observations that should be noted.
False visions of love
Let’s start with the simplest one. We all romanticize love. Or have done it at least once. We might have unreal visions of what a happy relationship is. When those ideas are bent, we might want to return to miserable partnerships, which we already know are not a good fit. It’s sometimes good to think that you deserve better and leave such a relationship.
Comfort and routine
Humans are creatures of habit, and it can be difficult for us to let go of a routine. The world out there is dangerous. For some people, even an unstable relationship can be a sort of comfort. A place of safety, stability, and reassurance. Turning to an alternative can be challenging. It might also stem from childhood or other traumas that we seek a toxic environment.
You invested so much time and energy into this relationship. And just thinking about ending it and having to search for a new affair gives you headaches. The idea of dating and possibly being hurt again is scary. So you might rather think that your partner will change. But chances are that he won’t. The question here is: Will you dare to step out of your comfort zone?
It’s not uncommon to try to gain what we weren’t provided with the first time. We seek validation from a partner who neglected us. We might also see the whole situation as a bit of a challenge and try to prove to ourselves (or others) that the thing could actually work. While it obviously won’t.
Running back to toxic partners can be a result of your self-worth and self-esteem. If you have a lower opinion of yourself, you also have little expectations from your partner. Then, it’s of no surprise that you might easily engage with abusers who will, eventually, take advantage of you.
What to do?
Some lines just cannot be crossed, and some behaviors are too toxic to be preserved. It’s easy to point the finger out from an outsider’s perspective. While in fact, only we are the ones who set and maintain the boundaries and allow ourselves to fall into unhealthy partnerships.
With a clear head, ask yourself if the relationship can offer what you need. Make a list of pros and cons, and re-evaluate your visions. Understand the insecurities that drag you to unhappiness. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, cut the cords, and try to learn to cultivate your strengths. Believe in yourself again.
And remember. A fulfilling relationship is one where your partner brings out the best of yourself. There is safety, emotional stability, shared goals, and values. It’s never too late to take action. Embrace the strength, power, and true love from within yourself.