Question from our reader: Not that I have the best relationship with my family, but at least I have a family; I have always had friends; still, I cannot say that I confide in them or have relevant conversations with them, but they are my friends. They usually like to sit in taverns and drink beer. I have a partner, and to be honest, I do not have the feeling that he knows me completely. On the other hand, I know that I shouldn’t exaggerate and expect that somebody, whoever that may be, can understand me entirely.
Why do I feel disquieted even though I have everything? Am I asking for too much? Is my head in the clouds, and maybe I don’t see things clearly as my mother says? What should I do? Perhaps I just need to calm down and come to accept things just as they are.
Answer from our life expert: Ah, dear reader, stop for a second! Even though it seems illogical to you, and you cannot fully grasp the situation, from your question, I get the impression that you are pretty sharp (you probably already know that I have a special power of catching vibrations through words) and that you only need a little to get your head around this.
It sounds weird, yet not so strange, to be surrounded by your friends, to have a partner, family and still feel that something is missing. Well, what is it then? Oh yes, it must be something invisible!
Follow me; we shall go step by step. It’s high time to rethink your relationships with others. But don’t be hasty! Don’t overanalyze things. Questions such as who you are, what you are like, what are the people surrounding you like often lead to toxic thoughts of seeking guilt, torment, wondering who started it first… at this point, it does not matter at all. However, when it comes to reconciling with things, as you mention in your question, you are already starting to get on my nerves even though I’m a pretty calm person by nature. Reconciliation is a lie; it does not exist! Accepting something you do not like is a lie; it does not exist!
So, I have a request: think about each relationship separately. Is something positive coming out of that relationship? Is it productive or creative? For example, does your relationship bring out the best in all of you, do you support each other? Does spending time together bring joy to you, or is it a waste of time? (The latter only emphasizes the dissatisfaction, that uneasiness you write about, which is always followed by self-blame that something is wrong with you.) If the answer is no, then those relationships lead nowhere, they are preserved in time, and in your case, they are beginning to smell of mold. You can’t just sit in taverns the whole time and tell yourself that kebabs are not bad when you actually want to eat pizza. Not that someone is to blame for something; simply put, certain combinations are not productive, at least not according to your expectations.
Sometimes an inherited family can be the source of many problems. I do not know what kind of environment you come from, but oftentimes families don’t have understanding for their members. They just impose their will on you, and you have to play by their rules. You are supposed to please them, never disappoint them, and listen to the external voices instead of your own inner voice… And you slowly become lost between other people’s desires and your needs. Gradually nothing good comes out of that relation; it becomes empty, without essence and exhausting.
You don’t state a specific problem, but your question reveals it. The connections you build, consciously or unconsciously, have a crucial impact on your quality of life.
You’re wrong when you say it’s too much to expect to be understood completely, to the utmost degree. Maybe I should tell you about the feminist philosopher Maria Lugones, who coined the term “world-travelling” to describe the experience of entering into genuine dialogue with those who don’t share our perspective. “World-traveling” gives way to playful curiosity about the lives of people who inhabit worlds different from our own. This curiosity makes possible a more meaningful bond between self and others. This kind of environment and experience is what you need, not reconciliation. Accepting things is not an option!
It’s proper time you declare complete freedom, change your perspective and stop being lonely among other people. If you listen to your own voice, you will never be lonely.