I’ve worked an array of jobs throughout my undergraduate degree to make ends meet. I worked at Walmart, Wendy’s, and Build-a-Bear, to name a few; I worked several crappy serving jobs and did some work for the city, all of which could not prepare me for working at a sex store. As a recent graduate trying to get my feet on the ground as a writer during a global pandemic, I’ve been managing a sex store for a while now until my 9-5 office job comes.
Before working here, I really knew little about sex toys—not more than the average person, at least—now I have a variety of knowledge about everything from the best silicone lube (Uber Lube) to what a sounding rod is (a urethral stimulator), but that’s not all I’ve picked up: I like to say that I have a talent for observation and being able to read my environment (especially if it has to do with something interesting like human sexuality), and throughout my time managing the shop I’ve learned a thing or two about other women’s sexuality and ideas when it comes to pleasure. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
**Small disclaimer, this is just what I’ve noticed; I’m not an expert on human sexuality; these are my observations from personal experiences**
There’s Definitely an Issue with Negative Self Talk
Although the store that I work for prides itself on being inclusive, diverse, and body-positive (with an array of lingerie sizes, from XS to 5X), many of our customers don’t give themselves the same kindness. This is my first point because this is without a doubt, the most universal thing that I see with women who come through our store.
Lingerie companies tend to capitalize on super-photoshopped model advertising. Some companies have sizes that run small, so a woman who is usually a small one might be large in a particular brand. This obviously doesn’t help, but beyond the lingerie companies—sometimes before they even see the sizes or styles—many women come through the store with negative self-talk in mind, which is genuinely heartbreaking.
I hear stuff like this all the time from women who come into the store:
- “Oh, I couldn’t pull that off,”
- “My boobs are too___ (small, uneven, big, saggy, long, droopy, etc.) for that.”
- “Could you just imagine ME in something like that? Haha!”
- “I’m too fat for that; my body would spill out.”
Frankly, it sucks to hear it. Lingerie is something that you buy to feel extra sexy and extra beautiful; the process of buying lingerie should not make you hyper-critical of yourself and more insecure than usual!
My recommendation to anyone looking to buy lingerie (regardless of gender) is to hype yourself up first, not the opposite. Think of all the beauty in your body and what you’d like to show off! I tend to buy lingerie because I like the style or fabric, not depending on whether I look like the model on the box (because nobody does, not even the model herself). Sometimes it also helps to bring a friend with you who can tell you how hot you’d look in any of the styles!
Some Women Feel Ashamed for Masturbating
Many people feel nervous walking into a sex store, and I totally understand that. It can be a really new environment that often makes people feel like they have a big sign on their back that says “MASTURBATER”. I find that many women—especially women over thirty—have trouble stepping into the shop for the first time.
I think, much like how the penis is seen as something funny and to be drawn on everything. The vagina is seen as something private and not to be spoken about; male masturbation is normal and okay to talk about, while a woman masturbating is a touchy subject.
Although the stigma around women masturbating has taken strides over the past few years, with companies like Womanizer selling their vibrators with a classy pouch, a key chain, and a card that says #IMasturbate, and more and more women becoming comfortable talking about their own personal pleasure, there are still issues—especially with the older generations—holding guilt and shame around masturbation. The dichotomy of wanting a sex toy but also feeling guilty about wanting one can make for a not-so-fun trip to the sex shop.
I always like to tell women who express their stress that sex and masturbation are normal and a great way to practice self-care. There is no shame in sexual pleasure or enlightenment, and taking steps to treat yourself should never make you feel guilty!
I promise, anyone working at a sex store has a plethora of toys, and anyone you run into at the sex store is there for the same reason you are! No worries!
Not Every Woman has Taken the Time to Figure out what They Like
Women are absolutely blessed when it comes to orgasms. We have so many erogenous zones, so many ways to orgasm, so many ways to stimulate; women have extremely powerful orgasms, can orgasm multiple times in a row, and the women’s sex toy market is about 1000X better than what there is offered to men. For every men’s sex toy, there are about 25 women’s toys available. We need to take advantage of this!
Many women come through the store not sure of what they like, and even worse, partners of women will come through and not know what they like! Sex and masturbation go hand-in-hand with exploration. Do you like penetration or clitoral penetration more? Do you like them both equally? How do you feel about nipple play? These are all questions that can really enhance your sex life if you choose to explore and answer them.
This often is a product of my last point—that women sometimes feel shame over masturbation and personal pleasure. My advice for women who come into the store unsure, or to a woman reading this who feels the same way, is to explore! Take the time next time you’re having sex or masturbation to try different angles and approaches to see what really floats your boat. The stigma around women liking sex needs to be lifted, and I do thank the song WAP for fighting the good fight!
A Trend of Women’s Partners Feeling Threatened by Sex Toys
This doesn’t happen super often, but it is definitely enough for it to bother me and take note. I’ve noticed a trend in working here surrounding women’s partners (usually their boyfriends and husbands) feeling insecure about their girlfriend having a sex toy. This is obviously not to say that constantly choosing masturbation over sex isn’t concerning, but for women with a healthy libido, sex and masturbation are key for many women with a healthy libido.
I often think of sex with my boyfriend as a shared experience, a social experience, while I see masturbation as an act of self-care and self-love. Sometimes having intimate moments with yourself can be a huge stress-reliever and just plain fun, and no-one should make you feel as though you don’t deserve that experience.
I’ve seen women unwilling to get a dildo that they want because a realistic penis made their boyfriend insecure or men refusing to buy their girlfriend’s high-end sex toys because they’re worried the toys will make sex with them “obsolete”. I don’t think this is cute, protective, or sweet; I find it controlling and gross. A sex toy or a dildo won’t make your girlfriend not want to share intimate moments with you, but you being insecure and selfish might.
Because I work at a sex store, I have more toys than I need, and I’ve bought my boyfriend a few of his own: this is because we’re secure in our sex life and appreciate that sometimes masturbation is healthy and relaxing. I’ve never once considered feeling “obsolete” because my boyfriend has a sex toy that he enjoys because we love each other, and we love being intimate together.
Women Need to Demand More Orgasms!
This is just a straight fact. Many women do not climax during sex, masturbation, or ever, which really bums me out. Like I said earlier, women are absolutely blessed when it comes to sex, with so many ways to orgasm, super-strong orgasms, and the ability to have multiple in a row, yet I stand her befuddled that so many of us aren’t getting that experience.
If women’s partners aren’t willing to give orgasms, we need to take them. We need to insist that we also want to finish during sex, and we need to treat ourselves to proper masturbation and maybe even a good sex toy. That pleasure is earned and deserved, and I tell women who come through the shop all the time: you deserve to orgasm more!
I have so many stories about working in a sex shop, some funny, some terrible, some both. I see all walks of life come through the store because sex is the great unifier. There’s so much to learn about human sexuality (especially as it pertains to women), and I look forward to learning more. Do any of these statements ring true to you? Do you feel like you could be treating yourself better? Let me know in the comments.
