Question from a reader: I want to know if this only happens to me. Am I the only one who comes across men who are overly close to their mothers? Too close if you ask me. The ones that live with their mother at the age of 30-35. Although getting older and older, those mothers still take care of them, cook for them, even clean after them, and wash their clothes. One of them, even though he’s living with his mom, has planned Sunday as a day meant for mom time!? Is it just me who thinks this is creepy? Maybe that is a good thing; who am I to judge? Everything has two sides to it, but somehow, I fail to see that other side. Help!!!
Answer from our life expert: Let me tell you a story. I love to knit, yet I’m not an old granny, but that has nothing to do with age. Maybe I’m just one old soul. Anyway, I knit. And I knit all kinds of clothes. They must be very colorful. Sometimes I cannot resist, and I wear everything at once: a knitted skirt, blouse, knitted coat, scarf, hat, everything is so cheerful and vivid. People usually don’t like it. Who can understand people? That’s not easy! But HE liked it! From the very start! At first sight in the wool shop. For a moment, I was surprised that he liked me, and at the same time, that he was there at all. But who can understand people!? Still, it was a pleasant surprise. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of warmth that someone saw me out of thousands of people! Ah, joy, oh, mercy, eh, good luck! Uh, oh, I’ve become a professional flyer on cloud nine!
The time came for me to meet his family. In fact, he lived only with his mother; his father was deceased (remember this fact, it will be important later on). As much as you try to stay authentic and consistent with yourself, moments like these are crucial. You ask yourself what if she doesn’t like me, you become anxious, you imagine monologues, what to say when the door opens… Never mind, I decided to tame the colors of my clothes and wear something monochromatic. From all those suggestions and criticism I got over the years, one thing stuck in my mind. The monochrome look is not only fashionable but also leaves an impression of seriousness, neatness, serenity.
My partner was a little surprised when he saw me, but he said nothing. Oh, gracious Lord, his surprise was nothing compared to my astonishment when I saw his mother. She was like a knitted doll more colorful than me. Knitted wardrobe next level! Inside the house – knitted tablecloths in all colors, on the beds, on the TV, on the washing machine… Paradise! It was supposed to be my paradise! However, I must admit, in one corner of my soul, this slightly unpleasant feeling stuck. His mother made hibiscus tea, her favorite and mine too, brought tea biscuits, we dipped the biscuits in the tea, ate and drank, a total of five biscuits with one cup of tea.
The two of us talked and laughed, and we realized that we had a lot in common. In the middle of our conversation about my partner, how sweet he was as a child, he entered the living room. We were both delighted from our discussion, so we instantly jumped and stretched our hands around his neck to hug him. She pulled him, I pulled, and neither one of us gave in. At that moment, he decided to pull my hand away from him and let her hug him first. What a sight! What was I to do!? What can be done in situations like that!? Nothing else but to get away from there as fast as I could, chewing what was left of my favorite tea biscuits. Oh my God, get me out of here, and let me forget! I learned to pray at that exact moment!
So, I googled: mothers and sons relationship, why sons drown their mothers etc. I was reading frantically, and I came to this data: Evolution and natural selection have pre-programmed you to seek out partners who come from your same species group. And since your earliest and closest contact is with your mother, she becomes the visual template you seek out, Urszula Marcinkowska, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Turku, explains. A recent study by eHarmony has found that 64 percent of men are in a relationship with someone who shares significant personality traits with their mother dearest. Fortunately, it’s totally normal from an evolutionary, psychological standpoint.
So, I think to myself with a kind of relief, well, there is some logic to our resemblance, his mother and me. Then all of a sudden, I remember this sequence of my conversation with her where she mentioned that her husband had died fifteen years ago. What the hell! My partner always made sure to leave early in the evening, so his mother wouldn’t be scared alone. He never came or invited me for a sleepover; on Sundays, he was at home all day as a consolation to his mother after the death of his father.
Now let’s get back to your story, dear reader! If he still lives with his mother, like this fine example I explained above, it is because he wants to live with her! Not because there is another reason. And he is certainly not ready to commit to your relationship completely. Not only that. He does not want to take his life seriously. Instead, he wants to remain a small child in his mother’s care. It is comfortable for him not to be responsible for his life or decisions while he puts the weight of responsibility on her shoulders. The mother is an argument for evasion; he must be glued to her. If she’s not there, the argument won’t be there too. No, no, just to make it clear, I am not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, but I don’t need to be for such challenging situations.
As for you, my dear, because you are obviously drawn to this type of man, you need to change the behavior pattern. Change the bars, change your perfume, concept, approach, and above all, stop behaving like a mother!
P.S. When I think about it, that partner of mine at the time didn’t remind me of my father at all! It was inevitable that we would break up. And to be honest, there was not much room for me between the possessive mother and her dependent son. It was too tight!
*I must note that this story is fiction. No identification with actual persons is intended or should be inferred. There is no readers’ questions section on Femonomic. But if we start to get questions, we can certainly dedicate a section to our readers.